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So Long

by Addie Pray

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1.
Baby Steps 03:02
You make me want to crawl all the way into the back of your chest and stay, wrap all my limbs around your heart You leave me standing on two legs, bad dreams and not enough to say, tired of always acting smart Wake me up when you’re ready to go Maybe things will be better tomorrow Do everything we can for now, give into solemnest of vows, all makes it hurt more when it ends Now you don’t have a thing to do, and everything I have is wrapped in you, so far from everything I’ve spent Letting go like I never could do Guess I was afraid of needing you With every stupid thing I say, do you think you’ll love me anyway? I don’t know how all this time flew, it’s simple now but I still miss you Now that everything is changing, I’ll shrink right back down into nothing So won’t you tell me what you mean to, and I can tell you how I’ve loved you
2.
You get undressed, red sweater vest sits on my floor till you return And people are never how I think they are, but I still haven’t learned And I’ve tried to stop drinking This is wishful thinking And I’m getting comfortable again after all this time apart from you That’s not to say that I’m not mad, I just get so tired of missing you And everyone’s excited But I don’t think I like it And I write you letters all the time, but I will never send them to you So I’m sorry I’m not saying much, I just don’t know what else you want me to do Bleary eyed and blinking This is wishful thinking
3.
Familiar beds and unswept floors, I’ll sit and think and drink to you And I’ll wonder what it’s like by you, all the trees have fallen down here And they’re scattered around this whole town Tiny flies remind you how time flies, and you forget that people change And you think you’ll see them in the streets when you look out your window I don’t think it’s all that different this time And these silly things I like to dwell on, I’ll fall asleep to dreams of you Drunken politics and sad songs I know you’ve been listening to And your shoes remind me of the winter When I said, “Here is the church, and here is the steeple, we sure are cute for two lonely people If you want me to stay cuz you think that I’m pretty, then I’ll take the last train home from the city” And “You’re too funny to be hanging out with me I’d like to help you pass your time, but I’m not sure I can change my mind Maybe in a year or two we’ll all move away, and I’ll never think of you Or at least I’ll never, ever have to” And in my mind you always stay, and we always wake up early You help me forget all the ways I always push people away I always push people away
4.
So Long 02:26
I’m looking out my window as you walk away Forget myself, I always watch you when you leave The sunlight stings our indoor skin, first sign of spring And I’m tired too, I don’t know much but, yeah, I love you It won’t be long now. And it’s clearing up, nostalgia fades like leaves on trees And these days are numbered, so so long for what feels like so long It won’t be long now.
5.
Lie To Me 03:01
The shape of affection on unsteady hands The oblivious man that you call yourself Well I’ve been awaiting a shadow of doubt From your wide open mouth and the space that you maintain now Sleepless in the bed which you lie Missing you in June and July Apology I wait to hear Then I’ll be waiting here all year Growing shorter days fly by But I won’t let you see me cry Hours upon hours spent Can’t rely on compliments anymore So lie to me, lie to me, I don’t mind Cuz it’s nothing, no nothing that I haven’t heard before Take what you can from me, I’m already empty And I dare you to try and break my heart a little more
6.
Long Day 04:14
Sit in the dark cuz cold shoulders feel better But I’ll try to stop; it’s too warm for a sweater And you, you keep quiet I’ll freak out, and try to hide it Nothing to do, so I cut all my hair off Never tell you anything that I’m scared of You’ll wait for me to find Our choices intertwined I’m sorry, it’s just that I haven’t slept in days But I’ll be better tomorrow, I’ll be okay But if I’m still here and you’re not talking, I guess it’s just the same Long day Conscious decision to kick these old habits Crawl back to you when I know that you’ve had it Become what you became I always stay the same It’s just that maybe, lately, I can’t seem to find The piece of me I must have left behind So if it’s still there, and I’m not talking, I guess it’s just the same Long day Write me a letter about things that I’ve done You knew this was over before it begun I can’t do this anymore You’re better off when you’re with her I’m sorry, I just haven’t left my head in weeks But by tomorrow I’ll be good enough to speak But if you’re not here, and we’re not talking, I guess it’s just the same Long day
7.
August 04:44
Dying, I’m dying, I’m dying to tell you That I have been feeling this noxious for years Holding my face in your hands, I am swelling Fighting back honesty through misplaced fears Oh, my lungs collapsed Oh, my hands how they were hidden Lost my senses in the grass In August, makes your skin so sticky Trying, I’m trying, I try to get past this I’ll tell everyone that it isn’t your fault We all find solace in things that we’ve buried Shrouded in dissonance, veiled by default Oh, my lungs collapsed Oh, by morning it was broken Left my thoughts back in the past In August, makes your heart hang heavy Perfectly past tense of passive aggressive Try to extract what I know isn’t there And you say I’m heedless, I know I’m distracted It’s just that everyone seems to be leaving these days Oh, and these plans collapse Oh, my good intentions falter Scars that form on my kneecaps In August, the remnants go unspoken Dying, I’m dying, I’m dying to tell you
8.
Spend an afternoon on freaking out or staring at a screen Something dull to cut my teeth on I try to tell you I’ve been dying here, but I can’t put it into words You’re not listening to me Nowhere to be and I wish you could see me now I’ve got time You’re always on my mind So what if it’s not working, I’m a jerk, and you’re just hanging out? We aren’t getting any younger And now that my head’s aching, crying’s taken all my pride away If I listen close I’ll hear you breathe Nowhere to be and I wish you could see me now I’ve got time You’re always on my mind Seventeen didn’t mean a thing to me I had time You’re always on my mind
9.
Peeling the scab off of what you left behind Next to guilt I will rot in the back of your mind Give up and move on, I’ll write you pretty songs Such a long time, you know I’ve been here all along Taking a breath at the top of a mountain Forgetting the days I’d so eagerly counted Feeling your heart beat from under your chest bone Letting you know I can do this alone Follow the patterns of all that you know If I hate you it’s easier to let you go Make a decision, fall down on the floor I’ve been waiting for nothing, but I won’t anymore Taking a breath at the top of a mountain Forgetting the days I’d so eagerly counted Feeling your heart beat from under your chest bone Letting you know I can do this alone Unmade beds we used to count on Did I help you pass the time? Clear away the smoke from last year It’s a long way down from here Taking a breath at the top of a mountain Forgetting the days I’d so eagerly counted I honestly loved you right down to your bones Now I’m letting you know I can do this alone
10.
So Scared 03:30
Bury me under snowfall The first one of the year I thought by now you’d be here Brand new winter coat The first time that I wrote I said I felt like I was living in a snow globe An unfamiliar set of veins Pulse without complaint I wake up feeling happy But there’s a voice in my head That’s ruining everything It says once this bruise grows out, so will you And I’m watching my breath as it leaks out of my chest I’m never letting go, I’ll never know you now But I could try An unfamiliar set of veins Warm against the rain Keeping you alive And when you sleep at night I feel Like these old scars could heal I don’t have to be so scared

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Drums by Aidan Feliciano

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released August 1, 2013

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Addie Pray Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Addie Pray is Carmen Perry.
carmengperry@gmail.com

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